I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Walk of Shame today included voting.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
You made out with two different species that night
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
