new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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