i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
