i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
