I wish my penis had an off switch
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
