she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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