My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Well I just put wine in my tea
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
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