He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
