remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
