There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
