so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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