im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
