I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
