Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
