I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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