Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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