I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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