Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Randomize
