I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
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