he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
