I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
