People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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