We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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