Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
