Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Blood and glitter go together right?
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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