I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
