So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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