I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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