On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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