I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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