We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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