Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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