Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
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