Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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