I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
