I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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