peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
