She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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