my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
