there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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