Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
