Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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