my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
