Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
