Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
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