Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
