I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
