I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
