In America we eat man semen.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
