My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I just blew my weed a kiss
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
