I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
