Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
